Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Cookies Severely Injured by Large, Bearded Intruder

LOLLIPOP LANE, NORTH POLE (December 1, 2009) – North Pole law enforcement officials responded to a pre-Christmas break-in today on Lollipop Lane, a quiet residential street located about six miles northwest of Santa’s Workshop. According to police reports, residents of a candy-trimmed gingerbread cottage reported being terrorized by a large, bearded man wearing a red suit and wielding a giant, misshapen sack.

Witnesses reported seeing the man, who stood about 5’5 inches tall and weighed about 220 pounds, trespassing on the property around 11:15 this morning. He allegedly entered the residence via the chimney.

“Yeah, I seen him sneaking around up there on the roof,” said a distraught neighbor who preferred not to be identified. “I could tell he was up to something. This is a quiet neighborhood. Things like this just don’t happen on Lollipop Lane.”

Police said that once the intruder entered the house, he approached the residents, the Gingerbread family, as they lay quietly on a plate on the kitchen counter. He then allegedly produced a jug of milk from inside his coat pocket and began to dunk, bite and chew the unsuspecting victims.

“It was awful, just awful,” said Jed Gingerbread, one of the inured, from his hospital bed. “He had a crazy, hungry look in his eye. There were piles of cakes, candies and pastries all over the house, but he only wanted us cookies. There were crumbs everywhere! That fat man in the red suit is a menace, I tell you! A menace!”

At a news conference this afternoon, officials said they had a suspect in custody. Captain Tiny McElferton of the North Pole police department confirmed they apprehended the suspect, Mr. Santa Claus, at his business about 1:30 this afternoon. “With the help of our forensic specialists, we were able to analyze sleigh and hoof prints on the property along with a long fur-trimmed cap found at the scene,” he said. “We found Mr. Claus cowering and crying underneath a bench in his workshop. He was taken into custody swiftly and cooperatively.” Mr. Claus is currently being held at the Lump of Coal Correctional Facility.

According to a statement released today from Mr. Claus’s lawyer, Candy L. Cane, of Cane, Snow, Bell & Stocking Law Partners in North Pole City, Mr. Claus and the Gingerbread family are expected reach a settlement. “Mr. Claus is very sorry for what he did,” Ms. Cane said. “In attempt to trim his waistline for the upcoming busy holiday season, Mrs. Claus removed all the junk food from the residence. In a low-blood sugar induced moment of madness, Mr. Claus helped himself to a few bites off the Gingerbread family. We expect no charges will be filed and Mr. Claus will be released from custody later this evening to return to his busy toy-making schedule for the upcoming Christmas holiday.”

A call placed to the Claus residence was not immediately returned.

A spokesperson from the Already Been Chewed (ABC) Institute, a not for profit organization dedicated to assisting sweets and treats affected by bites, breakage, crumbling and smashing, among other ailments, said the Gingerbreads remained in good spirits. “We lost a few limbs today,” said Dr.  Berry Sweetandtasty, Director of Community Relations for the ABC and head of a new program aimed at preventing the disfigurement of chocolate candies by poking holes in the bottom and tossing them back in the box, “But rest assured that these cookies still taste just a delicious as ever, even if they are missing parts.”

Warning: The photo below is graphic and disturbing.

These cookies, once whole, are now faced with a life of ridicule and rejection after a run in with Mr. Santa Claus. They will remain under the care of the institute as ABC Cookies for the remainder of the holiday season, as no one wants to eat a cookie that Already Been Chewed by someone else!


There are three reasons I made these cookies: 1. To have an excuse to write something ridiculous in blog (see above, please and thank you.) 2. To use my ABC cookie cutters – gingerbread men missing either their head, arm or leg…the result of an obvious “bite.” How cute is that?? And 3. For practice. I am TERRIBLE at cookie decorating. For reals. (see above, please and thank you.) I want to get better but I have a long way to go, as you can tell from my photo.

I think I can safely say, that to achieve good results, it’s all about the consistency of your icing. This holds true for both piping and flooding. After this process, I’ve learned that IT.IS.HARD. to get that consistency just right. I think my piping icing was too stiff, resulting in “peaks” when I pulled the bag away from the cookie. So then I’m over there trying to flatten out the peaks with a toothpick. That resulted in uneven lines that are too thick in some places and not thick enough either. (See red shirt above) So I tried to thin it out – thinned it too much, making it too runny for piping. (See weepy yellow pants above). And I don’t know what the heck happened with the green icing I used to flood the shirt. Look at all those bubbles! BLAST! Ugh. I SUCK at this. LOL.

There must be a system. I’m just not smart or talented enough to figure it out. I need a test pattern somewhere. Once I color a batch of icing and fill my pastry bag…that’s it. There’s no turning back. I feel like I can’t go back and try to fix the icing consistency. It’s too late then. I need to know what to look for BEFORE I start. I’m just going to have to keep practicing. If only these practice sessions didn’t take so long….

Oh, and the other problem…I don’t really like sugar cookies. I don’t know…meh. If I’m going to make a cookie, I want it to taste a whole heck of a lot better than most of the sugar cookies I’ve had in my life. My lukewarm feelings about sugar cookies make it hard for me to get excited about practicing my decorating. Although, I tried a different recipe this time, a brown sugar spice cookie from Bridget over at Bake at 350. I did like the flavor a lot more than the standard sugar cookie. You can find the recipe here. Bridget’s cookies are AMAZING! So if you prefer not to have your eyes assaulted by my lackluster decorating skills, I suggest you spend some time browsing her blog. 🙂

I’m going to defer to the experts for royal icing help. Check out Katie’s tutorial at Good Things Catered or Annie’s tips and hints at Annie’s Eats for more information about how to work with the icing. Both these ladies have AWESOME cookies in their blogs too. Maybe someday I’ll get to hang with the cool kids in the Expert Cookie Decorators Club. Like I said…I have a long LONG way to go. 🙂

Here’s a link to the cookie cutters too…in case you’re interested in making your own ABC cookies!


One year ago: Turkey Meatball Stroganoff


Filed under cookies

7 responses to “Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

  1. Eric (Erin's Loving Husband

    Glad to hear there won’t be any charges filed against the Jolly Fat Man and that he should be able to make the rounds again this Christmas! Afterall, I know a certain blogger that has been very nice this year. Honestly I don’t blame Mr Claus, the cookies were great!

  2. Pam

    You have one yummy and cool blog…I like it!

    Enjoy! and Congrats on the foodie blogroll!

  3. Loved your tale of ABC gingerbread cookie woe.
    Bad Santa!

  4. LOL those are too cute. I’m giggling out loud here

  5. Pingback: I Got My Mind Set On…Cookies… « Milk & Honey

  6. Pingback: Progress | Milk & Honey

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